Saturday, January 17, 2009

Admitting to Our Brilliant Plan

It's time, according to my crazy Uncle Harvey, to take credit for the brilliant infiltration that we spendthrift Democrats have succeeded in, taking over and ruining the formerly competent conservative functional Republican Party. Thank you, and I want to remember all those staff who helped, especially the stage manager, the makeup artists, the tireless wardrobe organizers (the DFH t-shirts were a stroke of genius) and mom.

Without all your help, how could we have arranged the brilliant ploy of putting up the front of a pro-business government while arranging to keep down salaries over ten years, sending jobs offshore where workers earn pennies on the dollar, turning health care into an expense that drew off a growing proportion of earnings for working families, and increasing the tax burden on the erstwhile consumer - while sending all those endless offers of great credit so they could continue buying as if their actual realized income were not daily decreasing?

Anyone with a particle of intelligence could see that this would be death for a consumer economy, but of course, we endlessly insisted that this was right and good for business development. To make our ploy all the more wicked and destructive, we opened opportunities for corporations to take profits offshore by destroying the regulations, and even managed to put tax breaks for offshoring jobs through a deluded republican congress. Not satisfied with this destruction of potential for a consumer economy, we gave credit card issuers the go-ahead to allow for warrantless increases in interest on acccounts without any cause so that those consumer dollars could be absorbed in non-consuming costs all the more quickly.

Flush with our deception's success, we gave investment vehicles incentives to offer their mortgage lenders extra bonuses for placing higher and higher interest loans, loans that could be had without proof of affordability, because those could be bundled with other, better, mortgages and sold as if they were AAA rated! and did I mention linking ratings firms with the servicers they were rating? The Genius! More consumer dollars gulped up in unviable mortgages. Oh, and I forgot to thank the advertising firms that sent out all those great offers of free homes! to those otherwise potential consumers. And their moms.

Now as the waters are swirling around the waist of the drowning economy, I have to take special credit for the brilliant gesture of pushing through tax breaks, huge ones, for the banks that buy up other banks. Think of the incredible audacity, anyone with a particle of sense would see that one sinking bank to buy another sinking bank, compounding all the worthless loan bundles they own, would be a final straw that broke the dromedary's back, but no! we insisted, it was pro-business! Hoping against hope that the deluded congressional representatives of the right wing would continue over the cliff, we the insurgent Democrats even pretended to voice concern and responsible alternatives, just encouraging the rampaging right to continue on because it (heh, heh) made us livid. Oh, and did I think to thank the media, for quoting the heads of industry who insisted that they were right on the verge of beating back the threats of the Democrats to make them go offshore by ending the tax breaks and giving some of the country's wealth back to the public? And their moms!

From November:

But George W. Bush has more trouble in store for his successor. And he's piling on the problems in his usual secretive manner -- hoping nobody will notice.

How so? First, the Treasury Department this morning announced that it would increase the size of the bailout of American International Group (NYSE: AIG) from $143.7 billion to $150 billion and it would do so from funds in the $810 billion bank bailout bill. Second, he snuck a $140 billion bank tax break into that same bailout bill that would encourage bank mergers by allowing profitable banks to pay less tax by using the losses from unprofitable ones they buy to offset their taxable income.

Each of these moves is complex but the bottom line is that more of your money is going to bail out the mistakes of a handful of executives without any input from taxpayer representatives.

Yes, yes, I am coming to that. Allright, without those Bush family criminals, none of all this would ever have been possible. While claiming to make this a prosperous country by throwing all the resources toward business, most especially the financial sector, we've managed to undermine the very prosperity we pretended to adore.

It's a beautiful moment. The Republican Party is dead meat. Sorry about all your suffering, the jobs and homes and kids' health and stuff, but you know, you'll all be better for the struggle. Don't you know what doesn't kill you makes you strong? Stop whining.

Next, you'll get me going on about those fanatical wars we threw at you. Our plotting is just nothing if not thorough. We have so many ways of making it look like the Republic Party is incompetent, I can't begin to tell you. If we hadn't taken it over and made it work against its own interests, why right now we might still be continuing as an esteemed honorable country with a surplus, heading for sure disaster under Democratic control. But no, as crazy Uncle Harvey suspected all along, it was us!

Oh, and did I forget the guys at Gitmo! great job, Quasimodo and Co. Keep those '24' manners going, the wingers may never recover.

And their moms.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

"If we hadn't taken it over and made it work against its own interests, why right now we might still be continuing as an esteemed honorable country with a surplus"

Correction: There was never a surplus during any of the Clinton years. The national debt increased all 8 years.

4:02 AM  
Blogger Ruth said...

As Diane said, try down the hall for the revisionist history dept. Bye.

5:44 AM  

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