LETTER FROM IRAQ

REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP:

DEAR MR. w,

IT IS MUCH CONFIDENTIAL THAT YOU HEAR THIS VERY LUCRATIVE OFFER THAT I MUST FIND APPROPRIATE PERSON TO BUY IN ORDER TO GIVE HUGE GIFT. I HAVE CONFIDENCE YOU WILL FIND THAT KEEPING SECRET IS MUCH NECESSARY AND YOU WILL BE SO REWARDED BIGTIME.

WE ARE TOP OFFICIAL LIVING IN GREAT HAZARD OF BEING HURT AND ROBBED BY NOT NICE LEADER OF GOVERNMENT WHO IS THREAT TO YOU, TOO, MR. SADDAM. OUR FUNDS MUST BE RELOCATED TO SAFE PLACE AND MUCH NEED TO BE IMPATRIATED IN, SAY, PARAGUAY. YOU WILL BE VERY REWARDED IN LARGE MONEY AND OIL TO GIVE SAFE PLACE.

FIRST MUCH HAS TO BE DONE TO FREE UP OUR RIGHTFUL FUNDS FROM THE VERY NASTY GOVERNMENT THAT HAS NOW GOT POSSESSION OF THE SAME. WE HAVE SET UP REVIEW PANEL HERE AND LOCATED MUCH FRAUDULENT MONEY NOW LOCATED IN BAGHDAD BANK WHICH WILL BE VERY RELIEVED TO HAND IT OVER TO YOU IN PACKETS OF $100 BILLS ON YOUR ENTRY TO THAT BAGHDAD BANK. BRING CASH WITH YOU FOR FINDERS FEE AND NECESSARY ARRANGEMENTS TO RELIEVE SUCH BANK OF ITS NECESSARY BURDEN OF HOLDING SAME.

IN ORDER TO ARRIVE IN BAGHDAD BANK, UNFORTUNATELY IT WILL BE NECESSARY TO ARRIVE IN MILITARY STYLE. THIS IS NOT SO HARD AS IT MAY SOUND TO YOU. WE WILL GUARANTEE GREETINGS OF YOU AND YOUR MILITARY WITH CANDY AND FLOWERS, AND MUCH BLESSING BY THE INCAPTIVATED RESIDENTS OF THIS COUNTRY. THIS WILL MAKE REALLY FINE SHOW FOR TV AND YOUR PRESS, YOU WILL WANT TO BRING THEM WITH YOU. THEY CAN BE IMBEDDED IN TROOPS WHO WILL NOT BE FIRED ON MUCH, AS MOST OF OUR IRAQI MILITARY ARE SECRETLY ON YOUR SIDE AND LOVE YOU VERY MUCH. SUCH FIRING AS MAY HAPPEN WILL BE JUST FOR 'SHOW' AND NOT KILL MANY SOLDIERS, JUST RELIEVE YOU OF SOME OVERCROWDING LATER.

THE JUSTICE WHICH YOU WILL DO WILL BE THAT FREE MONEY IS NOT GIVEN TO NATIVE IRAQIS, BUT INSTEAD IS USED TO BUILD CASTLES AND MILITARY STUFF WITH. WE NEED VERY LITTLE ENERGY AND WATER, CLEANLINESS HERE. THE PEOPLE OF BAGHDAD WILL BE GLAD TO EXCHANGE THEIR PROSPERITY AND PEACE FOR A NEW GOVERNMENT.

YOU CAN KIND OF PERSUADE THE U.S. TO LET YOU DO THIS WAR BY INSISTING THAT THERE ARE BAD WEAPONS, NUCLEAR DEVICES AND POISON GASES LIKE OUR LEADER USED ON THE KURDS AND MADE MUCH TV NEWS SO THEY WILL BELIEVE YOU. WE CAN ARRANGE THAT INSPECTORS FIND WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION IF YOU BRING IT ON WITH MILITARY PRESENCE. IN FACT, YOU WILL SEE FROM SOME PHOTOGRAPHS TAKEN BY SPY SATELLITES ALREADY THAT THERE ARE THINGS LOOKING LIKE NUCLEAR DEVICES OUT IN THE OPEN SOMEPLACE HERE, AND MAKE BIG PRESSER ABOUT HOW DANGEROUS THE NUCLEAR-LOOKING TUBES AND OLD NUCLEAR MANUFACTURING PLACES ARE.

YOU WILL BELIEVE US AND NOT BE SUSPICOUS LIKE FRENCH AND OTHER RENEGADES, BECAUSE WE ARE GOING TO BE MUCH IN CHARGE IF YOU MANAGE THIS WAR AND WE WILL GUARANTEE THAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE RECEIVED WITH MUCH SHOW AND POMP LIKE YOU WILL LIKE. NO ONE WILL ASK EMBARRASSING QUESTIONS, ALSO WHICH YOU DON'T LIKE. WE WILL SET UP A GOVERNMENT AND HAND OVER OIL RICHES AND OIL LINES TO YOU. OUR NEEDS ARE MODEST, AND A MERE COUNTRY OF OUR OWN IS ALL WE WANT IN EXCHANGE FOR ALL THESE GOODIES.

THIS IS SURE TO PLEASE YOUR PEOPLE THERE IN U.OF S. AND MAKE YOU PRESIDENT FOR LIFE LIKE YOU KNOW YOU WANT. OF COURSE, WE WILL PAY FOR ALL EXPENSES AND MAKE SURE EVERYONE LIVES HAPPY EVER AFTER.

IT WILL BE GREAT PLEASURE TO GREET YOU. BRING CASH WITH, PLEASE. PLEASE REMEMBER ME TO THE FAMILY.

BEST WISHES,

IRAQI NATIONAL CONGRESS, AHMED CHALABI ETC.

P.S. YOU WILL WANT TO BURN THIS LETTER. THANKING YOU MUCH.